Sometimes I inspire myself….
I’m too tired to fall asleep, and also too tired to get any real work done, so I’m going to write out where I’m at.
So, just going to call it like it is. I literally have to finish the record by next friday. When I sat down tonight and worked out what work is left to be done, let’s just say that there’s only ONE song that is pretty much done – and even then, if I have time, I want to revisit it. Basically, the way this has to work out, is that I finish exactly one song per day – from here on out. I feel like that’s a good goal, and it’s doable (albeit, building the pyramids is also “doable”). It won’t be easy, but if I wanted easy, I wouldn’t have done this to begin with.
The record stands at a total of 14-16 songs: 8-9 rock songs and 6-7 rap songs. I recognize this is a lot for a record, but I really don’t have any choice. Of course, I have a “choice”, but short of making two separate EP’s, I can’t stand to cut any more content from what I’ve already slimmed. Besides, a lot of the songs are right around 3 minutes, so the totality of the record should still be under 60 minutes. Besides, who are you to complain if I give you MORE music? Seriously, you’re going to complain it’s too long?
Aside from the record status, my living status is in complete limbo in two weeks as well. I’ll likely finish the album on the 15th, and be on the road by the 18th. On the road to where? I have no idea. In the middle of this whole endeavor, I’ve always refused to look at the future when I’ve got so much in front of me to work on. Well, all that will eventually catch up in a few weeks, and leave me stranded. But not REALLY stranded. I mean, in the conventional sense, I’ll be homeless, but in the non-conventional sense, I may go camping for an extended period of time. I care, but I don’t really care.
That’s been a HUGE point of emphasis on this record, which, in my opinion, makes it incredibly genuine – despite the fact that my voice can’t ever express how I’m actually singing, the vast majority of these songs are about where I am right now – and where I will be. They focus on the eternal battle between normalcy and what I want for myself; what the amorphous “they” say I should do vs. what I WANT to do. The ultimate conclusion is that I’m not giving up for any reason short of death. Of course, this sounds naive and crazy idealistic, and that’s covered too. This album really details my struggles with the ambivalence between security and my vision for my life. Nothing says it half as well as the final track on the album. It’s a total gut wrencher; like, I sit there and the song just really drags you down and gives a detailed account for how I feel on a daily, nay, hourly basis.
This music is about the determination to chase what I want, and the belief that I will be successful. At this point, you’re like: “so, this isn’t a phase? I mean, what constitutes success?” Success will be when I can make music and have it be self sustaining. Obviously, this is an incredibly brazen approach to making music – who am I to say that people will like my music, and even pay for it. Not sure, but I read a good quote the other day (I’m a sucker for motivation quotes) that centered around the idea that people who REALLY want something, find a way to make it happen – everyone else makes excuses. And I’m not one for excuses.
But you’re like: “but Grant, you’re not THAT talented, and what about retirement/whatever else?” In which case, you can go _ _ _ _ yourself. Fill in the blanks.
Sadly, that’s most people I know… but whatever, they can get it.
When I was applying for jobs, I came to the realization that I really don’t have any other skills. Now, I do, but not in the sense that I have “experience”. I don’t have HR/PR/marketing/real-world copywriter/management/whatever experience. I HAVE been writing songs (and plain old writing) for as long as I can remember. Quite frankly, I don’t know anything else, and it makes absolutely no sense for me to do anything other than a) what I love b) what I’ve been doing for forever. Music moves me in ways that nothing else ever could, again, I sound like a 13 year old girl, but this is more than “that’s my jam”. Ultimately, I intend to pursue it till it accepts me or kills me.
Anyways, in line with what I preach over the course of the album, I’m not going to get dragged down by what may or may not kill me – still, in line with the conflicts over the album, they invariably get to me more than I care to admit. All I can say is that these have been a wonderful three months, and I really look forward to the future and continuing to do what I love.
To all the naysayers, I leave you with one final quote/idea. “Sometimes I look at birds sitting on a power line, and ask myself ‘why do birds sit there in one place, when they have the ability to fly wherever they want?’… then, I look at myself and ask the same question”.
Point being, I want to encourage you to risk something. Take a chance and live with it. I spent far too much of my life playing it safe, and it got me nowhere. By living with purpose and conviction, these have been the most fulfilling months of my entire life. Why would you ever waste your life on something that you didn’t love? Only YOU control how you live your life, and you could decide to go ANYWHERE and do ANYTHING. It’s insanity when you think about it, of course many of you have live’s and families – and can’t pack up and leave; still, what inspires you? No more excuses, make it happen. And next time you see birds sitting on a telephone/electrical/whatever wire, remember that you’re not half as trapped as you think you are.
I know I said that was the final one, but I’ve got one more. It’s my desktop background right now…. it’s a black background with white text that reads:
“Remember that guy that gave up?… Neither does anyone else”.
I don’t plan on giving up.